you ever have feelings for a person that doesn’t have those same feelings for you? its pretty rough. when i was younger, the first three or four girls that i had crushes on had crushes on me as well. so i just thought that was how it worked, you only liked someone if they liked you too.  if only.

this local restaurant has this mac n cheese where they crumble these bbq potato chops and coat the top of it,  wow, i must say the next time i buy some mac n cheese in a box i am going to grab a bag of bbq chips too. i think ill try it with white cheddar shells, they destroy elbow noodles any day.

you ever wonder where the wind comes from? i mean its just the air moving around, but why is it moving. its not like there is some giant blowing really hard on the top of some snow capped mountain. (speaking of blowing really hard, my neighbor just started playing the tuba all of a sudden. wait, maybe its just their crazy brazilian music.) anyways back to the wind, i hear that the moons gravitational pull on the earth affects the tides and waves in the ocean. so maybe the waves are getting tall and pushing the air around and thats why its windier around the ocean? i don’t know. ive read that when air gets warmer it rises, so some other air has to go in the spot where the warmer air used to be, and it must be cooler, so thats what wind is. cooler air rushing in to replace warmer air that just ascended. sounds feasible i guess. it satisfied my curiosity.

i really love cheese, i just wanna melt it on everything.

okay i guess ill end this, its april 20th today, 10 years since the columbine school shooting. thats a long time, a decade, didn’t feel that long. adolph hitlers birthday today too. and my ex roommate from pennsylvania. happy birthday big josh.

or how about when you fall in love, could you ever try to do that? think about if you’ve ever fallen in love, the moments that led up to you realizing you were in love. did you ever have to say to yourself, “c’mon love her, it’ll be better for you in the long run.” the feelings just came out of you. theres a better chance that you said something like “c’mon you don’t need her, there are other girls out there.” but you couldn’t try to not love them either.

there are lots of other, better examples that im not smart enough to think of that illustrate my point. many times in life you will hear the advice to stop trying so hard and just do it. or something along those lines. i mean obviously you have to try in some sense. because you actually have to show up. but trying is really just attempting something. its not doing it. what im trying to say is that i believe that i shouldn’t try to be something in life, i should be what im supposed to be. ive been trying to make my life this or that, and thinking that i should try to be a musician or try to be a writer. but if im not one of those things then maybe im not supposed to be one, even if i want to. i mean, most people think that they have a purpose in life, id like to think that i have one, but what steps do i take to find that out. should i try to make it happen, or should i relax, not think about it so much, and trust that my life is happening how its supposed to, and im living out the steps that will lead to what i want to know.

Telos is an inner goal that something is meant to attain. an acorn’s telos is an oak tree. a caterpillar’s is a butterfly. so does human life have a telos? if so is it the same for everyone, or is everyone’s telos unique to them. Aristotle thought that human lifes’ telos was happiness, St. Augustine thought it was to love God. Telos is what you are meant to be, goal’s are what you want to be. they could be the same thing, they could be different things. whats your telos? maybe you dont know, but you probably have goals. maybe you think your goals are your telos. maybe you think this is all a bunch of crap.

are we meant to be something, like how mozart was just able to remember and compose beautiful music when he was a child. maybe you were born with natural ability in archery or penmanship or playing the clarinet or cooking. pretty much everyone seems to have a natural advantage in something without even needing to practice it. this goes hand in hand with being true to yourself. if you have an uncanny love for sewing, don’t let the embarassment stop you from sewing your little heart out. be proud of the sewing ability you have and let it flourish.

there is an order to life and nature. we should be attentive and perceive things as they are showing themselves to us.

ed: look at that homeless guy over there.

jim: yeah what about him.

ed: dont you think he has any family that cares about him. thats one reason ill have kids someday, so that i dont end up homeless when im 70.

jim: thats not the worst reason ive ever heard.

ed: man, hes so old. what is he even living for.

jim: thats pretty harsh.

ed: well think about it, he must just stand around all day collecting enough money to buy himself some food or booze, then he tries to get some sleep, then he walks around. what else is there to his life.

jim: sounds pretty much like what we do.

…

…

…

ed:  lets go.

i’ve been having ideas for stories in my head lately. i used to write quite a bit, now i can’t get myself to keep up with this blog nevermind try to write a story. but i should give it a shot, if nothing else then for the fun of it. its always a good time while it lasts, maybe ill find something out about myself from it.

finally dad, i’ve been practicing those chords. they are coming along, needs more practice though. but i have got the spare time. a round of new employees at bagel, they are interesting. hopefully they work out, they all seem like nice people. got my boss addicted to LOST. quite possibly the best show ever. he is already onto season 2 i believe. good for him, i wish i could eternal sunshine my brain and watch the series over again like it was brand new. well i will wish for that when the series is over.

a lot of how other people perceive your ideas, is how you present them to them. they probably won’t exceed your level of excitement, so make yours high enough that that won’t be a problem. or. everyone is always excited to see bill, no one is ever that excited when they see me. why is everyone so excited when they see bill? because bill is always excited to see them.

anyways, like i said, another early morning at bagel. the day turned out to be an interesting one though. for starters it was me and like 6 girls working today. this might sound good in theory, but not once they get full control over the music. i was forced to listen to mates of state, something corporate, and some other music that was equally painful. i try not to complain about things, especially something like the type of music you listen to at work. because really it shouldn’t matter what music is playing i just need to focus on doing my job. the music is REALLY there for the customer’s eating or waiting in line so they aren’t surrounded by uncomfortable silence. so i wont go into detail about why i get upset about the music at work. so lets just say i was already in a not so great mood, surprise surprise. then the espresso machine stopped working again. so now its the first snow that we’ve seen in almost a year and we cant use the espresso machine. which means we cant make hot lattes, cappucinos, hot chocolate, hot apple cider, hot chai lattes, the list goes on. so now im a little grumpy and the customers are getting a little grumpy. then our dishwasher calls out sick so i have to take care of those duties for a while. on top of all this, a customer spills his coffee all over our register and it stops working. so its the busiest day of the week, busiest time of the day, and our register doesn’t work. so now we have to announce every 20 minutes that we can only take cash and we have someone working the cashier drawer with a calculator and a mental price list. and just when the day looks like it is beyond salvage, a customer faints in front of the store. third customer this year to faint. he was alright, just hungover probably, but it was a nice little bit of comic relief for all of us behind the bagel counter.

so after work i head over to my friends house to hang out. it was nice, we watched the second half of red dawn, then we watched tremors. it was good to be out of my room and with other living human beings. i spend too much time in my room, i should let myself be around people more often. i hope i don’t come off as arrogant when i say this, but i am depriving people of my company, and my thoughts. and i’m depriving myself of everyone else’s company and thoughts. plus i’ve been thinking that the best way to learn about yourself is to live you know? you can’t be sure of how you will act in a certain situation until you actually find yourself in that situation. for instance, you could speculate that your new car could take an icy turn at 30 mph and not lose traction. but unless you took an icy turn at 30 mph, it would still just be speculation. maybe when it comes to our personal preferences we are able to make judgments based on the knowledge we have of ourselves. but it is still speculation to say that you wouldn’t enjoy doing an activity before you ever try it. you could be pretty sure that you wouldn’t enjoy sky diving, you could even read 30 books about it and still think that it sounds like a terrible idea. but maybe those 20 seconds after you jumped out of the plane and before you pulled your parachute would be the most exhilarating seconds of your life.

i guess what i’m getting at is that in life you have to be ready to jump out of a plane. too many times we make up our minds on things before we give them a fair shot. so whether it is going hiking, watching a football game, or spending time with a person, why not give it a shot? you owe it to yourself, besides people rarely regret things that they have done, it is the things that we don’t do that eat away at us for years.

so i finally left my friends house and walked home in the cold darkness. i hung out with my brother and his girlfriend for a little while. then john poked his head in for a bit before going to work. i did some reading on the internet, and now i’m on here. i will be getting into bed soon because once again i am working at 6:30 tomorrow morning. i cant wait.

-jordan

after work i went to harvard square with my bro and my roommate john, we went to flat patties and peet’s. not too much going on there, after that john had to go to work. my brother bought good will hunting at newbury comics because he was appalled to find out that i had never seen it. we watched it when we got home, he fell asleep but i was captivated. it was one of the better movies ive seen in a long time. another well timed movie in my life as well. i’m figuring out that in life you have to try to keep it simple. not think as much about things and just kind of be. can’t really eloquently express myself ever but maybe you understand me. or maybe i’m a fool, both are very likely choices. after the movie i ate some food my mother had sent up to boston, and my buddy gabe came over. we listened to the killers new album which is so-so.

now i’m on here again and will soon be crawling into bed with some chocolate covered cherries. these certain chocolate covered cherries that i buy from peet’s are pretty delicious. i think they will only be around for the holiday season, but dammit they are perfect. anyways, i don’t have much of anything to say apparently, and my life is boring. see you tomorrow.

-jordan

i had the day off today, so i took the liberty of sleeping in. i finally got out of bed at around 10 or 11 and started searching the internet, for who knows what. at 11:30 i decided that i was hungry enough to go outside and search for food. i walked to this place nearby, the 2nd cup cafe, and got a ham egg n cheese on a sesame bagel. its always a little weird to pay for one of those sandwiches when i work at a bagel shop and could have probably walked another 5 minutes and got one for free. but i wanted to sit and read my book somewhere quiet and comfy, and my work is neither of those. the chapter i read was called the secret to happiness. the book im reading is called the art of power, it was written by a buddhist and it is about having the power to be happy in the present moment regardless of the circumstances. so obviously this was an important chapter. after finishing reading, i sipped down the rest of my tea and went to the superette on the corner. basically just a corner store with candy and magazines and all the junk you’d expect them to have. i bought some hot cocoa powder because i like to have a mug of hot cocoa before bed. i also bought some frankincense scented incense. i thought, if it is good enough for baby jesus, its good enough for me. i also thought that frankincense incense is pretty redundant. then back to the apartment.

after searching the internet some more and playing my guitar a bit, and lighting my frankincense, my roommate john woke up – at around 2:30 – and we went to harvard square. we went to flat patties but i didn’t eat anything since i had already had the bagel sandwich, then we went to peet’s. at peet’s i had a peppermint hot chocolate, it was pretty good. i also suckered myself into buying the 6 dollar bag of chocolate covered cherries for the third time. they are quite delicious, but the bag is also quite small. after that we came back home.

john and i hung around in my room for a bit, then he had to leave for work. after this josh woke up and i informed him that our pup charles had bit through his internet cable. josh then informed charles that he was a bad boy and he showered and left for his 30th birthday party. i had already hung out with him on his actual birthday and i have to work tomorrow morning at 6:30 so we agreed i should just stay home.

after some more aimless internet searching i convinced myself to start typing these words that you are reading right now. and that leads us to this very point in time.

quite an uneventful day, ill get in bed soon so im not a zombie tomorrow morning. the chapter in my book was good, but sometimes i think that i need to finish the book, then read it all over again so that the concepts will stick. one thing i’ve taken from it is that i should be mindful in all that i do. this seems like a simple concept but its not as easy as it sounds. i’m talking about down to every step that you take and every letter that you type on the keyboard. well, not it really is time for me to get in bed. and with that i have step foot into the world of blogging.

-jordan